My girlfriend and I had sex…

Question:

Me and my girlfriend, soon-to-be fiancé, recently had sex. And we’re trying to figure out what to do about it now. We never intended to before getting married, and as the man, I feel fully responsible even though she was the one pushing for it. It’s obvious to me now that we should have had less physical contact in the first place, and that it was pride that said we could touch each other so much without ever falling into temptation. I love her deeply, and always will, and we both just want to do what is right before God, and want to work through this together. The plan was to get married next summer, after she finishes school. And that is still the plan right now. I’m just trying to figure out what it means now that we’ve had sex. Was it fornication, because we’re not publicly married, and so we need to ask God for forgiveness and run from anything that could ever cause it to happen again? Or does it mean that we’re now Biblically married since we’ve had sex (http://net-burst.net/singles/premarital.htm)? We already share the commitment to never leave each other. Or should we do everything possible to get publicly married as soon as possible? I don’t understand why I don’t feel guilt when it is something I’ve considered wrong my whole life. I was a virgin. But instead of the guilt of sin, I feel more… one with her. But is it the beauty of the sex God created that is keeping me from feeling my God-given conscience rebuke me? Or was it utterly evil, and I am in grave danger because I don’t feel guilt for doing something wrong? All I know is that I want to do what is right. And also that I need to know what is right in order to stand firm for it. I have no doubts that she is the girl I want to marry, and have prayed about it a large amount all through our relationship. The only reason we’re not already is because she goes to a college 6 hours away from where I live, and we thought it would be wise to let her finish before getting married.

Answer:

How sad it makes me when I hear of a Godly couple who decided to leave sex until after marriage, where it belongs, and then thought that they were strong enough to beat the temptation in their own strength.  And then failed.  And now there are all the questions.

Firstly, let me state this right up front, you are not married in God’s eyes.  That may come as a shock to you, but it is nevertheless true.  Imagine all the random sex happening all round the world, and then saying that each one of those are now married in the eyes of God.  Jesus said in Matthew that God joins two together, in a marriage ceremony.  He attended a wedding and did His first miracle there, which seems to be significant.

Matthew 19: 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.

John 2: 1 On the third day there was a wedding in Cana of Galilee, and the mother of Jesus was there. 2 Now both Jesus and His disciples were invited to the wedding.

I know that there are many people who say that there are no wedding ceremonies in the Bible, and that a man just took a woman, but what then do we do with the passage where it is stated that Moses allowed the men to give wives a certificate of divorce.  Surely there must have been a legal wedding ceremony if a legal divorce document was required?

Mark 10: 2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him.
3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”

So no, you are not legally married, nor married in the eyes of God.  You require a legal ceremony where you publicly declare your loyalty to each other before both witnesses and God, after which you will be married in God’s eyes and in the eyes of the world.  At present you are no longer virgins, but with repentance, confession to God, and then abstinence until after the wedding, you can still be forgiven and be spiritually virginal before God.  And believe me, that will be hard!  But it seems as if you are both committed Christians, and we are told that all things are possible for us, if we are in Christ.

Philippians 4: 13   I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

To believe that you have now attained the right to sleep together, whether you’re married or not, just because some website says so, will make the devil extremely happy.  You will just be joining millions of worldly young people who are similarly doing their thing.  And unfortunately I see young Christian couples every day who were totally committed to getting married and living happily ever after, shack up together, and then split up before the wedding bells have a chance to ring.  So now that means that they are no longer virgins, no longer together, and it’s easier the second time, and the third.  And soon they may not be Christians either!

Please do the safe thing:  turn to God, give your lives to Him anew, confess your problem to Him (even though you may not feel guilty!) and ask His guidance and strength as you covenant to follow His will.  You cannot go wrong in this way.  And if you love each other and are totally committed, get married as soon as possible, as the devil will try his utmost to make your lives a misery before you do get married.

One last thought:  don’t keep thinking that you have done something evil, which may change you and influence your sex life forever.  God invented sex and meant it to be good, but in its correct setting.  You did the wrong thing, and every one of us do that on a daily basis.  That does not excuse sin, but God knows our weaknesses and is more than willing to forgive.  So move on, in the way He would like you to walk.  God bless as you do His will!

1 John 2: 1   My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Got your own Question?
Ask a Pastor!

Are you wondering what the Bible has to say on a topic? Maybe you are at a crossroads and don’t know which path to take next.

Whether you want to know why there is suffering in this world or you want to learn how to save your marriage. We will do our very best to bring you sound biblical answers. Completely free, ask away:

Find more answers

What is temptation?

See the answer

What is Salvation?

and how do I get it?

See the answer

Why do bad things happen?

Can bad things happen to me (like losing a loved one) because I didn’t pray enough?

See the answer

Do we have to confess our sins publicly?

Or confess those sins to others?

See the answer

My girlfriend and I had sex…

And we’re trying to figure out what to do about it now.

See the answer